One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Duct Tape
Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
Jeff walked into a bar and saw his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walked over and asked him what was wrong.
“Well,” replied Paul. “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replied Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” said Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” said Jeff. “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continued Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”.
“Sensible” said Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” said Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
“I kicked her in the face.”
Jeff walked into a bar and saw his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walked over and asked him what was wrong.
“Well,” replied Paul. “You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”
“Yes,” replied Jeff with a laugh.
“Well,” said Paul, straightening up, “I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” said Jeff. “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continued Paul, “but I was worried I’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped “it” to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show”.
“Sensible” said Jeff.
“So I get to her door,” said Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw.”
“And what happened then?”
“I kicked her in the face.”
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Flying Drunk Man
There is a bar on top of a 30 story building. A man says to his mate "I bet I could jump out of the window and the wind will push me back in."
His mate says "God your drunk already you couldn't it is not even windy"
The first man go's "watch and learn" then jumps out and comes flying back in.
His friend decides to try for himself. So he jumps out and falls to his death.
The bartender comes and says "Superman you can be a dick head sometimes."
His mate says "God your drunk already you couldn't it is not even windy"
The first man go's "watch and learn" then jumps out and comes flying back in.
His friend decides to try for himself. So he jumps out and falls to his death.
The bartender comes and says "Superman you can be a dick head sometimes."
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Are They Up Yet?
The Wedding Night Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.
In the morning Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His Mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
In the morning Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His Mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
My Whole Body Hurts!
A young red head goes into the doctors and says to the doctor, "My whole body hurts when ever i touch it."
"Impossible!" says the doctor, "Show me."
The red head took her finger pushed on her shoulder and screamed. She then pushed on her knee and screamed again. Every where she touched she screamed the doctor said, "Young lady, you are not really a red head are you?"
"Well no." she replies. "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so." the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible!" says the doctor, "Show me."
The red head took her finger pushed on her shoulder and screamed. She then pushed on her knee and screamed again. Every where she touched she screamed the doctor said, "Young lady, you are not really a red head are you?"
"Well no." she replies. "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so." the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."
Monday, November 12, 2007
He's In Too Far
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,", she began,
"I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "F**k", the rottweiler ate him!"
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,", she began,
"I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "F**k", the rottweiler ate him!"
Friday, November 9, 2007
Holy Water
Bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St peter asks the first nun have you ever had contact with a penis? she says "I touched one with my finger once" St peter says "Dip it in holy water."
He then asks the next nun "I fondled one" she replied. "Put your hand in holy water" he replied. Suddenly there's a commotion, a nun has pushed to the front, st peter asks whats up?
"If i have to gargle that holy water i want to do it before sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
He then asks the next nun "I fondled one" she replied. "Put your hand in holy water" he replied. Suddenly there's a commotion, a nun has pushed to the front, st peter asks whats up?
"If i have to gargle that holy water i want to do it before sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Dangerous Competition
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!"
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Take Off Your Cloth!
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and said, "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and said, "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Monday, November 5, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
The Most Dangerous Foods
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".
Saturday, November 3, 2007
You're Going To Die
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Upgrade - From Boyfriend to Husband
Dear IT Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.
And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Housewife
Reply:
Dear Desperate Housewife,
First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
IT Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.
And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate Housewife
Reply:
Dear Desperate Housewife,
First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
IT Support
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Husband & Wife: Divorce Letter
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment, And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars last night, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica this morning. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment, And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars last night, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica this morning. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
From 0 To 200 In 6 Seconds!!!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
Saturday, October 27, 2007
2 Guys and a Girl in a Small Deserted Island
There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So................
They buried her.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So................
They buried her.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Put a Rubber at the End of YOUR Stick
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Embarrassing Situations
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. THATS TOO MUCH !"
After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"
She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.
The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. THATS TOO MUCH !"
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Last Words...
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Are my testicles black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "
Thursday, October 18, 2007
11 Marketing Concepts
11 MARKETING CONCEPTS
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”
That’s DIRECT MARKETING.
2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
“He’s very rich. Marry him!”
That’s ADVERTISING.
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day, you call her and say, “Hi, I am very rich. Marry me!”
That’s TELEMARKETING.
4. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You get up and straighten your tie. You walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her. You pick up her bag after she drops it. You offer her a ride and you say, “By the way, I am very rich. Will you marry me?”
That’s PUBLIC RELATIONS.
5. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich. Can you marry me?”
That’s BRAND RECOGNITION.
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That’s CUSTOMER FEEDBACK.
7. You see two gorgeous girls at a party, obviously friends. You go up to one and say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She turns away and you approach her friend with the same proposal.
That’s NETWORKING.
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and say, I am very rich. Marry me!”
And she introduces you to her husband.
That’s DEMAND AND SUPPLY GAP.
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and before you can say anything, another person comes along and tells her, “I am very rich. Marry me!”
That’s MARKET COMPETITION.
10. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and before you can say anything, another person comes along and tells her, “I am very rich. Marry me!
And she follows him.
That’s LOSING MARKET SHARE.
11. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and before you can say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”,
YOUR WIFE TURNS UP!
That’s BARRIER TO NEW MARKET ENTRY.
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”
That’s DIRECT MARKETING.
2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
“He’s very rich. Marry him!”
That’s ADVERTISING.
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day, you call her and say, “Hi, I am very rich. Marry me!”
That’s TELEMARKETING.
4. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You get up and straighten your tie. You walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her. You pick up her bag after she drops it. You offer her a ride and you say, “By the way, I am very rich. Will you marry me?”
That’s PUBLIC RELATIONS.
5. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
She walks up to you and says, “You are very rich. Can you marry me?”
That’s BRAND RECOGNITION.
6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That’s CUSTOMER FEEDBACK.
7. You see two gorgeous girls at a party, obviously friends. You go up to one and say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She turns away and you approach her friend with the same proposal.
That’s NETWORKING.
8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and say, I am very rich. Marry me!”
And she introduces you to her husband.
That’s DEMAND AND SUPPLY GAP.
9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and before you can say anything, another person comes along and tells her, “I am very rich. Marry me!”
That’s MARKET COMPETITION.
10. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and before you can say anything, another person comes along and tells her, “I am very rich. Marry me!
And she follows him.
That’s LOSING MARKET SHARE.
11. You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You walk up to her and before you can say, “I am very rich. Marry me!”,
YOUR WIFE TURNS UP!
That’s BARRIER TO NEW MARKET ENTRY.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
A Sign From God
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Monday, October 15, 2007
Old Couples...
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground .
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, thinks I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground .
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, thinks I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..."
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Radio Show Subversion
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”
DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan fu ck yourself!”
The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fu ck yourself!”?
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”
DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Goan fu ck yourself!”
The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.”
DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”
Caller: “Smee again! Goan fu ck yourself!”?
Friday, October 12, 2007
Barbies...
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.
So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.
The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
AND
Divorced Barbie: £299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...
So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.
The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
AND
Divorced Barbie: £299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Show Him Your CARD!!!
A West Virginia Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.
"The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of West Virginia to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card", "SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!!"
"The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of West Virginia to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card", "SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!!"
Monday, October 8, 2007
Half Sisters...
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."
"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Grateful Husband...
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Blonde on the street...
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Sex Life Problems...
A guy goes to a psychiatrist because he’s having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist askes him a lot of questions, but can’t get a clear read on the problems. Finally he asks, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“Well, how did she look?”
“Oh, boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point, the psychiatrist feels he’s really getting somewhere. “Well that’s very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that one time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“Well, how did she look?”
“Oh, boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point, the psychiatrist feels he’s really getting somewhere. “Well that’s very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that one time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw her daughter-in law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she
got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
He responded, "Needs ironing!"
She saw her daughter-in law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she
got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
He responded, "Needs ironing!"
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Prank done in Japan Show
They do this in Japan. You wanna try this in your country too? (But you might get sue!)
Hope this video clip can cheer you up for a day.
Hope this video clip can cheer you up for a day.
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