Flying Drunk Man

There is a bar on top of a 30 story building. A man says to his mate "I bet I could jump out of the window and the wind will push me back in."

His mate says "God your drunk already you couldn't it is not even windy"

The first man go's "watch and learn" then jumps out and comes flying back in.

His friend decides to try for himself. So he jumps out and falls to his death.

The bartender comes and says "Superman you can be a dick head sometimes."

Are They Up Yet?

The Wedding Night Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together.

In the morning Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His Mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

A Driving Experience That Is More Enjoyable

My Whole Body Hurts!

A young red head goes into the doctors and says to the doctor, "My whole body hurts when ever i touch it."

"Impossible!" says the doctor, "Show me."

The red head took her finger pushed on her shoulder and screamed. She then pushed on her knee and screamed again. Every where she touched she screamed the doctor said, "Young lady, you are not really a red head are you?"

"Well no." she replies. "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so." the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."

He's In Too Far

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

When There's No Email....

Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,", she began,
"I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "F**k", the rottweiler ate him!"

Holy Water

Bus load of nuns die in a crash and go to heaven. St peter asks the first nun have you ever had contact with a penis? she says "I touched one with my finger once" St peter says "Dip it in holy water."

He then asks the next nun "I fondled one" she replied. "Put your hand in holy water" he replied. Suddenly there's a commotion, a nun has pushed to the front, st peter asks whats up?

"If i have to gargle that holy water i want to do it before sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"

Smooth Hair

Dangerous Competition

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!"

Take Off Your Cloth!

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and said, "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Hair Cut

The Most Dangerous Foods

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake".

You're Going To Die

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Beer Openers

Upgrade - From Boyfriend to Husband

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate Housewife



Reply:
Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind:
Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
IT Support